Ciao tutti,
I know I missed my usual Sunday post, but that's because I didnt have wifi and I needed some time to process some things and gather my thoughts. This post is going to be really, really long (don't say I didn't warn you) and divided into two parts. The first part will be what has been going on (my normal daily summaries) and the second half will be more personal, about some of the things I have been going through lately and how I plan on handling them. Feel free to read whichever part interests you (or both).
Last Monday: So it was the first day of school (we only went for 2 hours), and everyone was really nice and friendly! A group of friends invited me to go with them to a bar that one of the girl's dad owns, and we went and had some pastries. It was so nice and I made a lot of friends :)
Tuesday: The second day of school was good too, I went over to one of the girl's houses afterwards for lunch with a group of girls, and again it was so nice and they were all very helpful. They made me a map of the train stations, photocopied parts of their textbooks, and taught me some new Italian words.
Wednesday: Third day of school, nothing special, and then in the evening I went to Castellamare di Stabia to have a meeting with my local AFS chapter (two of my friends from school were so sweet and rode the train there with me, because I was scared of going alone). The meeting was actually pretty fun and almost all the volunteers are young returnees so it was really easy to relate to them. After the meeting we all went to a bar and had some yummy pastries :)
Thursday: School (again), nothing special, and then in the afternoon I went to the gym for the first time (I've been inhaling everything that people offer me, so I thought it was probably a good idea to start exercising) and it felt so good to work up a sweat again.
Friday: School (surprise surprise) and then afterwards I went to one of my friend's houses for lunch with another girl. She has a small cooking and dining house really close to the school and it was gorgeous!! The walls were all windows so there was tons of natural light, all the furniture and walls and everything were white, and then outside there were tons of lemon trees. It was like a dream. Her dad cooked a really delicious meal for us, and then we went to her normal house (which was also beautiful) to study. Then, I went home and packed, because the next day my host family took us to Ascea.
Saturday: School (Yes I have school here on Saturdays….not fun.) and then my host siblings and I were picked up by my host parents and we drove like 2 and a half hours to Ascea. Ascea is this beautiful open beach, and my host family spends all their summers there. They stay in this little village area where there are tons of small little bungalows and everyone there is like a family. They put on plays and do activities and most of the families have been coming for generations. It was so nice :) We swam, then they put on their last play of the season, Moulin Rouge, and then had a goodbye ceremony filled with tears and hugs. Then, we all had a HUGE dinner, and I really do mean huge! I'm talking probably 25 10 feet long tables filled with all types of foods. The dessert table was literal paradise.
Sunday: We just kind of lounged around, watched this guy do card tricks, and it was pretty relaxing. Then, we drove home (but there was tons of traffic so it took us like 3 hours and we got back super late at night) and had dinner.
Monday (yesterday): Nothing special, I went to school, then to the gym, and then I met up with my AFS liaison.
Overall, Italian school is very different. We only go for around 4 hours every day so it feels shorter, but we don't get lunch and we have school on saturdays so that's the tradeoff. I met with a professor in the school to see about getting a personalized schedule, but she didn't let me, so I am only actively participating (homework, tests, etc.) in 2 or 3 out of all of my classes. I am still trying to see if I can find a way to change this, because for 95% of the time I am drawing in all my classes (except for art history, I am actually really excited about that class and the teacher is so kind and helpful and tries to translate for me!)
Okay, now on to the second part. Please wait until the end before you react or judge. Hear (or, I guess read) what I have to say first :) Thank you.
Alright I am just going to be blunt and to the point: As of now, I intend to shorten my exchange. Like I said before, please try and listen to my reasons before you form any opinions. Before you go on exchange, people will warn you time and time again that it will be really hard, that a year is a long time, etc. etc. You will listen and think you understand, but you honestly will not truly understand. It's as if you asked a person to imagine a new color; it isn't their fault that they cannot picture it. If you haven't seen the color, you can't understand what it looks like. Now, I have seen the color, and I don't think I want to. Nothing specific has gone wrong, my Italian is improving tremendously, I have made lots of friends, school is going well (as well as school can be), and my host family is good as well. My life here is, according to the standards of society, blossoming. However, I am still unhappy here. I have thought about this a lot over the past week, and I think the best way to explain it is like this: Imagine you are in a store, and you see this beautiful shirt. You fall in love with it, and you are 100% sure that it will be a perfect fit, so you buy the shirt without a second thought. Once you're home, you put it on, excited to wear it out. But when you try it on, it doesn't seem to fit. It simply doesn't look right on you. But you loved the shirt, and you spent a lot of money on it, so you aren't going to just give up. You try sowing it, tying it up, cutting it, and anything else you can think of, but it still isn't right for you. It doesn't make you or the shirt any less beautiful, the shirt just wasn't meant for you. Do you see where I am going with this? Sometimes, the path you thought was perfect for you really isn't. Exchange isn't for everyone, and every person reacts differently to studying abroad. In my case, I think it isn't right for me. However, I am not going to just give up. Like I mentioned in the first part of this post, I spoke with my liaison (she is so sweet and understanding, I love her so much. She helped me a ton), and we came up with a plan. Until mid-October (AFS has a 3 day orientation camp in the middle of October), I am going to really try to make it work here. I am going to say yes to every opportunity, keep an open mind and find the positive side of every situation, and pour my heart and soul into making it work. If, when I come back from the camp (which my liaison says usually helps boost your motivation), I can honestly say "I really did try as hard as I could to make it work, and it just isn't meant for me" then I will go home. If I reevaluate how I'm feeling, and I feel like I can stay a little longer, then I will pick another date to reevaluate how I'm feeling, and if I want to postpone my departure then I will, and if I don't want to then I won't. It honestly takes so much of the pressure off knowing that I can leave whenever. Now, I know that this decision will face a lot of opposition, but I would like everyone to know that leaving early does not mean I failed. It means that I was mature enough to realize that this isn't what is best for me, and I don't feel the need to stay here for 10 months just to prove to others that I can. As far as I'm concerned, I have already succeeded. I'm 15 years old, and I found a way to create the opportunity to move to the other side of the world for a year. I tried, and I believe that is what is most important. I took the chance, I stepped out of my comfort zone, and I have already learned so much. I see my life back home in an entirely new perspective, and I have realized how lucky I am, and I really value and appreciate where I come from and my family so much more. If I stay, yes I would probably grow and learn more things, but this is just one of many opportunities for me to grow and mature. I have also learned a lot about myself and what I do and don't like. I always thought I wanted to travel the world without a home, going with the wind, and I have realized that it is important for me to have a home. I still want to travel the world, but I need to have somewhere to come back to. I have realized many other things about my future and what I do and don't want to do, but I won't go into detail because that requires a whole other post. Maybe the reason this experience was brought into my life was to help me realize these things, and to learn to let go of dreams instead of denying that something is wrong just because this is what I thought I wanted at some point. I am well aware that I may regret this decision later on in my life, but you know what? Life goes on. We all make mistakes, and we all make decisions that we regret, but it's how we learn. If I do end up regretting going home then I will at the very least learn from it and use it to help me with other decisions later on in my life. I may not know what's best for me, but this is how I will figure it out- by making decisions and yes, sometimes making mistakes. I managed to raise $3,000, move to a country where I don't know anyone, or how to speak the language, or any of the customs, and live there for (at least) over a month all by myself, and I'm only 15. I am proud of myself for making this happen. In conclusion, I will take these next few weeks to try and make it work, but if it doesn't then I am not going to stress out and kill myself over it. Life goes on. If you read this whole thing then thank you, I am sorry it was so long I just wanted to explain myself thoroughly.
I will write again soon!
Ciao <3 Xoxo
-- Tami
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